Moving on is “No Big Deal.”

I’m not super friendly. I’ve honestly really dropped the ball on my social life as an adult. I haven’t put much work into it. I’ve kept to myself since high school… A well-established habit now.

My husband has been my best friend for 12 years. He cannot keep to himself at all. He has fucked up bad. He cannot be my best friend right now. I really need another one.

I need a new friend, so badly. I need a best friend. A text-me-every-day-because-we-love-talking friend. I’m not really looking for casual. I want to be bff’s. But that’s the issue. It’s just not that serious when you’re a grown-up. This is not middle school, the place I basically left off with the human race.  Everyone has older, better, closer friends already. Everyone has someone they bond with, have things in common with, a person they do things with. Everyone knows people without crippling social anxiety, people who are better at cutting loose and having fun.

And here’s me: I don’t even know how to be friends, I guess. I’m nervous and clingy. I kind of hate going out and doing things. I have odd interests. I’m just a weird asshole… Now a lonely one with zero self-confidence.

Today, Facebook started my day with a couple of articles letting me know that realtionships are just no big deal. One talks about how falling in and out of love is no big deal, the other talks about how making and losing friends is no big deal. That exact phrase was used, “no big deal.” Seriously?! Well, I’m just a total idiot. I have literally been living my life life my relationships were the BIGGEST deal there was… Planned my future around the people I love. Looked forward to deep and meaningful relationships that lasted a long time. Made all these sacrifices. Been all sentimental  and patient and misty-eyed and careful.

Been a fool, apparently. I’ve just done it wrong.

I had this one best friend, THE best friend I had from school. We met in the 5th grade and we became inseperable for 2 years. I loved her. I really could give 2 shits if anyone else wanted to hang out for the most part. She was my bud… Of course we eventually grew apart as we grew up. I dropped out of school and she moved to a different one. We kept in touch for a while on the internet. We each got married and moved away. We’re Facebook friends now, that’s all. I can accept that.

But I still have my friendship ring from that long-ago time. A special trinket from a special time. I showed it to her today. She made a joke about how she barely remembers those rings, and that it seems like I “need to de-horde.” I was just glad not to be in the room with her right then. Thankful for the distance the Internet provides, so that she couldn’t see how much it sucked for me. Not only is it funny that I still have it, but I should casually throw it away now, this treasure I have hung on to for 17 years or so. Well, then.

I have a couple of other divorced halves of friendship things from special friends from childhood. I should go ahead and toss into the trash today. Those things are over. Nobody but me remembers them.  But I still don’t even want to throw them away now. I am a sad sack of shit.

I have no friends today. I have a bunch of old co-workers, a bunch of people from I knew back in ancient history, some estranged family, and a disrespectful, lying husband who has taken multiple dumps on our vows.

I haven’t worked in 3 years. I haven’t taken a class in 10 years. My parents have made it painfully clear that they don’t give a shit. I’m turning 30 this year and I really feel like it’s now or never. I have to change. I have to adapt better to this reality. I have to fix what’s wrong with me. I keep reminding myself to try to talk to people when I go places. Look at them, talk about something. Not too much, enough of you. Okay, ask about the person. Try to remember what they tell you, make a friendly reply. Now remember to excuse yourself. Be pleasant. Be open.

When my son starts school, there will be other moms to talk to. When I start school, I will have classmates. I could even actively seek out new people. I keep coaching myself. Every person I meet could become the new friend. I can do this. I just need to practice talking to people. I will eventually find a good way to connect with people again. I need to practice being friendly. Practice putting up with people I don’t instantly adore, expending the energy to continue getting to know them. Accept an invitation. Give an invitation…. Forgive minor offense.

I have so much work to do.

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